by Zima
You know, I had a culture shock the other day, when several of my SkaDate Dating Software female co-workers in their 20s asked me to join them for The Expendables 2 premiere. And no, it’s not because I’m never asked for movie dates, let alone by several women at once. It’s because I always thought the whole Expendables franchise was geared towards the male nostalgia for the Reagan-era testosterone-driven homo-erotic right-wing cinematic propaganda.
In short, I was under assumption that you had to be alive in the 80s (and preferably a man) to appreciate the current return of tough-as-nails guys, each of whom specializes in massacring commies by the thousand. Sometimes barehanded.
But I guess Hollywood brought it upon itself by setting up wimps like Shia LaBeouf as modern day heroes. Seriously, Hollywood, even I can take out this guy, let alone a group of my female co-workers!
What it has to do with SkaDate dating script or online dating in general? Well, for one, it proves yet again that you should never underestimate your target audience. Also, it tells you that we are an awesome bunch of people who can really appreciate old muscled dudes beating the crap out of each other. And to celebrate just that I’ll give you a slideshow matchmaking the Expendables bunch with their perfect other halves. Enjoy!
Jean-Claude Van Damme - Cynthia Rothrock
The new arrivals first. I think that filmmakers giving Jean-Claude’s character the name ‘Vilain’ is sort of original. Or at least commendable. After all they didn’t call him L’Evil or something. That could have easily happen. I mean look at his career. Or don’t. That’s right, we don’t need to look at Jean-Claude’s career, because we all remember that it consists solely of doing sudden splits every few minutes. Now you’d think it is impossible to find a woman who would stand stuff like that for long, but I still managed to dig him up a perfect match and also a possible splits-showcasing replacement for the triquel.
Chuck Norris - Sarah Palin
I just want to say that typing this paragraph was the single scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The expectation of inevitable punishment was excruciating. But the mere fact that I’m still alive shows that Chuck actually approves of the idea. Or maybe he just got into my head and made me type all this. Thanks Chuck! In any case, matching Mama Grizzly and Lone Wolf is all kinds of awesome and natural. They can kill stuff together. Or shave. Or dassdfksdfggjhhhhhsdla;ldf
Liam Hemsworth - Some Girl
Here’s how The Expendables 2 trailer plays out for me: STALLONE, SCHWARZENEGGER, WILLIS, NORRIS, VAN DAMME, LUNDGREN, STATHAM, LI, CREWS, COUTURE AND... this some other guy! I don’t know him, so I just found a picture of a random girl to match them up.
Terry Crews - Mia Wallace
The writers of The Expendables didn’t give Crews’ character Hale Caesar (facepalm) much personality beyond being a huge black dude with a huge shiny gun. That’s why the audience has to fill in the blanks. And we all know Crews dances all the time. He danced while courting Wayans brothers dressed as white women, and even while in prison with Rob Schneider in a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. In fact, Expendables could be the only instance when Crews doesn’t dance. Well, let’s fix this and give him some incentive in the form of the Jack Rabbit Slim’s Twist Contest Winner Mrs. Mia Wallace!
Randy Couture - Cat Lady
Just look at that face. A man with such a... warm glaze (amirite?)... must love cats. Also, he has a non-military-looking, non-sports-related, kinda-ridiculous hat. That, I believe, gives him more depth than most other characters in the entire franchise. Do you know who else has a non-military-looking, non-sports-related, kinda-ridiculous hat? A Cat in the Hat, that’s who! That’s enough evidence for me that Toll Road (see, the hat is not the only ridiculous thing he has) must date our favourite Cat Lady! She loves cats, she has to love this sheer madness!
Jason Statham - Jet Li
I don’t know people, I think we might be late for these two. I’ve seen them together in far too many films over the years. This just cannot be a coincidence, so let’s not break up the wonderful couple.
Sylvester Stallone - Statue of Liberty
That was a no-brainer. The pair is approximately of the same age, both look sort of mean, but deep down inside all they want is just to seed freedom and democracy and fiery explosions everywhere they go. Oh and they both cannot move their jaws. That’s all right, I don’t think they’ll have much time for kissing and stuff with all the military action they are constantly involved in.
Dolph Lundgren - McKayla Maroney
Let’s recall the Olympics for a moment, shall we? If Stallone’s Barney Ross (hopefully the witty Friends/HIMYM reference is totally intentional) is gold, than Dolph is certainly silver of The Expendables crew. And that has been the case with all of their characters ever since Rocky IV. I know only one person known internationally for really appreciating silver. McKayla, honey, do the face!
Bruce Willis - Kristen Stewart
Have you noticed how Bruce Willis stopped acting or caring or caring about acting around mid 90s? He kinda looks the same in everything he does, including real life. That school of acting can only come naturally, no training whatsoever will help you here. Luckily, there is an actress who can give a lesson or two even to Bruce. Also, McLane is called Church in this movie for some reason, while Kristen Stewart is some sort of a vampire hybrid at this point, so in the very least we can expect one of them expire in a spectacular fashion as their relationship progresses.
Arnold Schwarzenegger - The Queen
That was a tough one. To be honest, I went through an army of fembots before suddenly realizing that there were only two people on Earth who can still parasail after the tender age of 150. Aren’t they a cute couple? Awwwww...
Tags: humor, Misc
This entry was posted
on Thursday, August 16th, 2012 at 9:20 PM and is filed under Misc.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I really enjoy your blogs, except I really don’t care about anything else except what you people are doing to improve your product. A lot of us are more interested in seeing your product evolve into something good, instead of reading blogs about movies.
We didn’t invest in anything except your product, so work on making it better, especially your mobile version, it happens to be our future. It’s also your future too.
SkaDate Dating Software is great. No words to explain…