Fourth of July Special: Online Dating and Four US Presidents

by Zima

You can punch us intellectually any time, Mr. Goldblum.

If we are to believe Hollywood, the 4th of July is not about barbecues, fireworks, beer, or the adoption of that one Declaration. It’s about US presidents delivering patriotic and emotional speeches before indulging in badassery, like killing aliens.

Now, we all know that online dating under President Bill Pullman would be practically nonexistent, since, you know, he’d be running a constant risk of being punched in the face by Jeff Goldblum (both physically and intellectually).  In ID4 Goldblum is shown capable of hacking an alien mothership using a Mac, for crying out loud, so he would have no problems getting into the President’s profile (unless, it was encrypted with the SkaDate Dating Software, of course) and finding out what really went on between Pullman and Goldblum’s ex-girlfriend…

In all seriousness, though, the real US presidents are actually far more cooler than their cinematic caricatures, so let’s take a look at our history and deliberate what the world of online dating would be like under four great US presidents.

Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson. That’s how people perceived him back then.

We all know that until recently online dating sported a stigma of the activity reserved for those who were inadequate in real-life dating. We also know that this is not true and never really was. We, however, did nothing physical to change this perception, patiently waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. Because, let’s face it, what could we do? Beat people into submission until they agree with our point of view?

But that’s exactly what the seventh US president Andrew Jackson would have done. The man just wouldn’t take no for an answer. He might have been a bully, but he also was a WINNER (I hope Charlie Sheen hasn’t entirely spoiled the concept). I mean once he took a bullet in the chest on a duel and then proceeded to shot and kill his opponent. Another time he became the first president to be shot by an assassin (unsuccessfully), and then proceeded to beat down his attacker with a cane (and not kill him). Actually, according to different sources, Jackson took part in anywhere from 13 to 100s’ of duels and still managed to stay alive and shape up the future Democratic Party. We’ll leave that up to you to decide whether that last one is good or bad.

Theodore Roosevelt

Here we have a president, who’d read through Jackson’s biography and laugh at it for not being violent enough. Roosevelt might not have dueled his opponents, but that was presumably because no one in their right mind would challenge him. Roosevelt had a black belt in jujitsu, was an excellent boxer, and always carried his trusty gun even inside the White

Teddy Roosevelt: That’s his dating face. Also, that’s the face of a jujitsu-elephant-killer.

House. Isn’t that an exemplary dating profile right there? He also was blind in one eye after a boxing match, suffered from malaria, and had a bullet lodged in his chest for 7 years after an assassination attempt. But none of that stopped his ability to lead the nation, kill elephants (literally) and skinny-dip in Potomac.

Suffice to say, Roosevelt would take the online dating industry and turn it into extreme competitive sport. The losers would then be fed to his own bear and lion – personal pets, which lived in the White House during his term. Consider that different US presidents definitely influenced people in their social behavior, of which online dating is now a big part. Clinton’s era was more fun, jazz and denial, Bush injected all interactions with a dose of healthy insanity, and Obama seems to be bringing a younger approach of ‘try-everything-at-least-once’. Under Teddy we’d all be indulged in role-playing. At one point or another he was a president, a cowboy, a police commissioner, a governor, an explorer, a war veteran, and a god damn superhero in general. I bet with Roosevelt on top we’d hear far fewer stories about online dating scam. Because when you hear ‘scam’ and ‘Roosevelt’ in the same sentence you know that one of them is not likely to survive.

John F. Kennedy

Three to Tango? Hmm… A good campaign slogan.

Let’s not kid ourselves, JFK would make the dating industry really prosper. In fact, he would probably make any industry prosper if it had at least something to do with beautiful women or sewer grates. More importantly, had online dating been around at the time, Kennedy would have likely been a real proponent of the industry. After all it would have allowed for a much easier and discreet communication with the likes of Monroe, Hepburn, and Mansfield, all the while remaining happily married to someone like Jackie O.

In all likelihood the entire world would have benefited from JFK’s support for the online dating industry. Just think of the possibilities! Being already a sort-of rock star politician when he took the office at the age of just 43, Kennedy had all the chops to take the virtual matchmaking to the next level. He widely used live TV interviews to his advantage – Video Chat. He influenced fashion trends and often appeared on the covers – Newsfeed Staple. He loved art, politics and pop culture – Niche Branching. His extensive family includes prominent businessmen, media personalities and yes, even more politicians – Networking. Plus he knew the moves – he could rule the country and court three different women at once any given time.

Barack Obama

Care for some distraction?

While running a dating website under the presidency of any of the aforementioned fine people (perhaps, except for JFK) would have been more adventurous than practical, it would also entail some rigid habit changing on the part of the membership. And who is better at promising changes than Barack Obama? True, some of these changes might still be miles away, but at least everyone feels good about themselves after listening to the man. (He also thinks Kanye West is a jackass. So he must be on to something.)

In all honesty, I don’t think we ever had a president, who was so openly embracing social media (thus online dating by extension). A man who is bested only by Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber in Twitter followers, and features prominently in a swarm of Internet memes (oh, the achievements!) must understand the mechanics of our industry. Or maybe not… Here is an actual quote: “Online dating is a distraction and the experience had evolved to where information becomes a distraction, a diversion, a form of entertainment rather than a tool of empowerment.” Wait, what? The ‘Online President’ thinks that a virtual love flow is a distraction? Eh, I guess he is still young and has a lot to learn about ‘distractions’ and ‘dating’ from Kennedy, Roosevelt and Jackson…

The SkaDate Dating Software team wishes everyone a happy Fourth of July!